I have to admit that one of the first things that I check when I get my weekly Maclean’s is Scott Feschuk’s column. He often hits the nail on the head with a humor that I just can’t get enough of. One of his latest gems is a column titles: “Welcome aboard! To continue, please deposit 1$” which I have taken the liberty of posting here. The original can be found here.

“Welcome aboard! To continue please deposit $1.

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–> Welcome aboard! We encourage you to pay attention to this short video as we outline the safety features and amenities of this aircraft. Economy class passengers: please deposit another loonie to continue.

The hectic pace of the terminal is behind you now. You’ve paid the Fuel Surcharge. You’ve tagged your own bags at check-in, searched your own bags at security and sold your own bags to pay the Baggage Surcharge. You’ve been weighed for the Chubby Surcharge and measured for the Height Surcharge. Now we invite you to sit back and relax! (A surcharge for wear and tear on your seat back will be applied to your credit card.)

To fasten your seat belt, pull the strap across your lap and insert the metal clip into the buckle until you hear a click. If you cannot locate your lap, it’s because another passenger is sitting on it. This practice of “doubling up” is a temporary measure to increase efficiency.

There are two lavatories on board. The front lavatory is reserved for the use of our business class passengers. The rear lavatory does not exist. If you are in economy class and need to use the lavatory, please employ the convenient tube and sanitary baggie located in the seat pocket in front of you. Do not use the seat pocket itself. That’s for number two.

In preparation for takeoff, place your seat back and tray table in an upright and locked position. But ensure all trays are lowered during the flight itself. We’re using them now as Murphy beds for ultra-economy travellers, and there’s not a lot of air in there. Or so we discovered.

Please be aware that due to current challenging economic conditions, this aircraft will be travelling at slightly lower altitude than usual. This is to ensure the farmers’ crops are properly dusted.

In the unlikely event of cabin pressurization, the mask you’re currently wearing will retract into the compartment above you. An Oxygen Surcharge will be billed to your credit card.

The use of cellular telephones is prohibited during flight, except if the pilot borrows yours from time to time to call the control tower.

To lessen fuel consumption, we’ll be reducing air speed by a modest amount. Do not be concerned: it is normal for those geese to pass us. The barrel rolls and steep dives are also standard procedure. In challenging times, air shows provide an enhanced revenue stream.

This aircraft features a number of amenities, including an in-flight entertainment system stocked with some of the best movies ever made by Ted Danson.

For those passengers wanting to eat, sandwiches can be purchased for $7. For those wanting to rest, a pillow and blanket can be purchased for $3. For those wanting to feed a family on a budget, a pillow and blanket can be purchased for $3.

Business class passengers will receive a complimentary bag of nuts. Economy class passengers will receive a complimentary bag of nut. Rest assured that even in these difficult economic times, a majority of our planes continue to feature free coffee and trained pilots.

Located above you, you’ll find both a reading light (Seeing Surcharge applies) and a flight attendant call button. To summon a flight attendant, simply press the button and wait. Then press it again. Around this time you’ll figure out that most of our “flight attendants” are in fact promotional cardboard cut-outs from the Ernest movies. But by all means keep pressing the button.

This modern aircraft features several emergency exits. During any loss of power, floor lights will guide you to the nearest exit. To open the door, simply slide your Visa along the appropriate swipe slot and wait patiently for authorization.

After the plane begins its descent toward your destination, you’ll be asked to return to your seat and pay the new Landing Surcharge. Smooth runway landing or hellish terror ride? It all depends on how much cash ends up in the hat, people.

Upon reaching the terminal, please be aware that contents of the overhead bins may have shifted or routes may have been eliminated during flight. Maybe you’re in St. John’s, maybe you’re in Moncton. Who says modern travel lacks excitement?

Once the aircraft has come to a full and complete stop, you will be permitted to deplane. Your luggage will be waiting for you inside the airport. If you paid the new Accuracy Surcharge, your luggage will be waiting for you inside this airport.

One final note: during takeoff, it is strongly recommended that all laptop computers be placed under the seat in front of you — or in the convenient pawn shop at the rear of the aircraft, where the lavatory used to be. Cash received for your computer can be used to pay various surcharges. A Surcharge Surcharge will be applied.

Now please sit back and enjoy your flight. We know you have a choice, and we appreciate that you’re regretting it right now.”