When I was a teenager, I often went over to a particular friend’s house for dinner to the house. I loved everything about being there, but what I really looked forward to the most was the family’s longstanding predinner routine. During their predinner drinks, they would purposefully discuss sensitive topics they didn’t agree on. The discussions would be very honest and frank, but even as passions mounted, they never got angry at one another and never insulted each other. And this wasn’t easy, as one parent and one child were right-leaning, while the other two were left-leaning. I sometimes got extremely uncomfortable with the non-apologetic way they would talk (especially since I don’t drink alcohol, so I had no way to numb the discomfort!) and honestly thought they would grow up hating each other.
Fast-forward two decades later, and the family is still very tight—and they still have these very difficult conversations every single time they are together. The circle has expanded to the spouses, in-laws, and the next generation as well, so the conversations are even more difficult. But as the family tells me, this is why this routine is even more important today: in order to maintain family unity in these crazy times, they have to learn to talk about these most difficult topics.
As I follow the discourse around various hot news items, I can’t help but wonder what kind of world we would have right now if every family followed this routine. What if everyone was well-exercised in having difficult conversations? Could the unity of the human family be dependent, in part, in our capacity to talk about difficult topics in a frank and honest but loving manner?
No One Person Has The Answer, So We All Have To Learn To Participate
From the way people talk about what is happening in the world, it seems that either they feel empowered, either they have given up, either they feel like if they find the right person—politician, celebrity, technocrat, you name it—this person can save us. But if we look at it from a practical point, how can one person, or even one small group of people, have the solution to such big problems? Similarly, how can one solution be applicable for every aspect of the problem in question? It is illogical to think that one person or one solution will help us all, every seven billion of us.
What is logical is that the world can only be saved through the application of a root solution adaptable to every existing context. This solution would be based on a common foundation, but its real-world application would look different from one place to another. For example, solutions to climate change will depend on the reality of each community, and only those who live in that community know it well enough to adopt the changes best suited to it. A very obvious example: the architecture that would be the best in a cold place would not be the same as in a hot place, but both would help reduce climate change.
To both find the best solutions and enact them, we need universal participation. We need to think about the needs of our communities and figure out a way forward. And we need to start seeing different opinions not as an opportunity to fight, but rather as an opportunity to enrich the overall conversation.
Have Good Faith—On All Sides
One of the big shifts needed to ensure the sharing of varying opinions so as to enrich the overall discourse is to have good faith when entering a conversation—on all sides.
When we enter a conversation, we have to make sure we are doing so in good faith, willing to listen to the other person even if we don’t agree with their opinions. Because behind each opinion are reasons, and if we dig deep enough, we more often than not find points in common that we can start building a better future on.
But how do we make sure the other person is entering the conversation in good faith? I’m not sure, quite honestly, and would appreciate any insight you may have. For now, I know that listening to someone who isn’t able to listen to me is the best way forward. I don’t engage with someone like this, but I do try to listen to what they have to say, and I try to find points we have in common. When I do, I highlight them, and once in a while, I have managed to surprise someone enough that they started listening to me as well. Sometimes I just let people talk and vent and rant, and then after along time, they seem willing to listen; it seems like allowing people to empty themselves and then only touching on the things I have in common with them seems to bring out their good faith as well.
Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
Boy, does talking to someone who has a completely different view of the world make me uncomfortable! But it’s really important to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Taking deep breaths and approaching the situation with curiosity, by asking someone why they believe something or another, really helps. Discomfort is not a bad thing, and we need to learn how to deal with it. We’re all very committed to our personal comfort, perhaps too much so, which I think has created barriers to frank and open conversations vital to our common well-being.
Step Away From Dichotomy And Embrace Nuance
Each human being is very complex, which makes our societal reality even more complex. It makes no sense that the answer to any question regarding humans, their personal reality, or our societal reality can be boiled down to a choice between two options. Quite honestly, when I am told I am either for or against something, it makes me feel like I am a pawn in a game being played by two groups whose only purpose is to win. I feel like neither side cares about what I really think; they just want me to cast my vote, hopefully for them. However, the goal should be for humanity as a whole to benefit, and not for one side to win.
While I can understand that in some cases, we might have to make a black and white choice, it boggles my mind that every single thing is being simplified to a choice between the two extremes of what is usually a vast panoply of nuances. There is so much nuance in life that boiling questions down to two choices (or even just a small handful) robs us from having solutions that embrace more than a select few and that truly contribute to solving the issue at hand.
The Muddling Effect Of Labels
Embracing nuance requires in part the ability to step away from labels, all the more that they are often loaded with historical meaning. I personally am trying really hard to step away from them myself, as I have come to understand that these labels are so loaded that they often become an obstacle to having a productive conversation, or even a conversation at all. While it means that I need to use a lot more words to communicate an idea, it makes communicating clearly a lot easier.
The other problem with using labels in a world defined by dichotomies is that it further erases nuance as we are pushed to adopt the entire definition of said label. For example, when it comes to partisan politics, we often hear it’s the left versus the right. But more often than not, we are on the left-hand side of some questions, on the right of others, while being closer to the middle in others.
When we are told that to be able to wear a certain label there is a certain identity we have to adopt, we stifle frank and honest consultation that keeps us all on the path towards truth. We have to distort reality so that we can continue wearing our label, which creates conditions ripe for dissension and oppression. When we are forced to choose a label, we also create a reality in which the only options available is to choose one side and fight it out.
Consider stepping away from labels and really think about what you believe in, in all its nuanced glory. You’ll be surprised to see how much you have in common with someone whose label previously made you think you are completely on opposite ends of the spectrum.
A Suggested Way Forward
To give you an idea of where I am going with this, the alternate title to this post was “The Vital Need To Learn To CALMLY Have Difficult Conversations.” The more I look into any societal issue, the more clearly I see how they all seem to have a few common core problems. One of them is the inability to have conversations about difficult topics. We either don’t have the capacity, get overwhelmed by emotion, or are so attached that we need to dehumanise the other person to make our point.
And so, I invite everyone reading this post to study the way that Bahá’í texts describe consultation. All the things that I discuss in this post are but a drop of the insights about consultation that are to be found in these texts. Learning to apply them in your day-to-day life will help you learn to have the most difficult conversations in a way that brings people together. And we need unity much more than the current dissension surrounding us.
Final Thoughts
So much change has already happened around the world through the process of very difficult conversations and true consultation. The BWNS is a great place to fill up on uplifting stories about where such conversations have led, so if you need some uplifting content and inspiration, make sure to check them out here.
We need to learn to have difficult conversations. One way is to create a space with a handful of friends, with certain rules to help guide the conversations, such as no personal attacks and a safe word which, when uttered when emotions are running too high, makes the conversation immediately stop and the group turn to a way to release negative emotions, like a dance party, a walk, or a silly walks competition. I’m confident that if more and more people learn to have conversations about difficult topics, we’ll be able to solve problems that today seem completely unsolvable.